Friday, April 26, 2002

i don't know why, but i remember the first time i heard this song, i cried. i think that this is the only song that i've cried to. it's kinda silly but...

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

how would you describe (using an emotion) yourself-- i mean, not the outside you, the you that no one knows? like, when your by yourself and quiet, what do you always go back to feeling? how would you describe the inner sanctum of your mind/heart? i was thinking about that yesterday. i mean, it's not the first time i thought about it. i guess it was the first time that i asked someone else that. i asked jc and he said--brooding. he said it was probably fear. fear of future, past, god etc. and that the thing that he was the most fearful of was god. or more the concept of eternal. like, forever? stay there, forever? like, you never get to leave? i've thought about that before. i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm all for going to heaven and all but the thought of eternally is daunting. i mean, what if you get... bored? i guess we could never understand
funny, cuz the next way he described himself, was exactly what i was about to say. he said that if he had to describe himself it would have to be like the sound/music of smashing pumpkins.
me? me, i was too afraid to tell him. too afraid to that i'd scare him or have him think me... crazy. have him not understand and just respond with the nonresponse of huh, or interesting... at best, have him show compassion now but later, when things and don't ask me why i see it as inevitable, when things sour, he'll use it against me like, eh, she was a freak anyhow... thank god i'm rid of her. ugh, i have too many secrets. i thought maybe everybody had secrets but as i got older, i realized that they really had none. and what was worse, my secrets were twisted, grotesque. worthy only of shame. but you know what? i still want jc to know.

Thursday, April 25, 2002

so here's the thing... i don't know what i wanna be when i grow up. which, induces in me, this catatonic state. rendered thoroughly useless, paralyzed with fear. exhausted by existance... blah blah blah...
an ex called me tonight. someone i dated for five and a half torturous years. he called to tell me that he's graduating and moving to the mainland and that he was sorry for all the hurt and that i was his best friend and that i was the only reason he made it this far. he said to say hi to the boys and he broke down and started weeping. ugh. that's really sad. especially the part about the boys. cuz i know that if i ever end up with someone, he would never love them the way my ex did. that's really sad. i mean, don't get me wrong, i still think that he's an arrogant, self-centered bastard but i suppose that i was the only one besides his mother that knew another side of him. too bad all that other crap suffocated anything redeemable. ah well. i wondered if i should call him back but i don't really see the need. don't feel like he has the right to know anything about me. don't wanna get caught up. so, oh well. i guess that's it. funny how life works. dag, life is strange.
that's all i can really write right now. more later.