Monday, April 15, 2002

monday morning... blech.

Sunday, April 14, 2002

things i've recently noticed:

i want a turtle but i think they smell
i think i'm developing a muscle spasm in my left shoulder
i can't metabolize alcohol as effectively when on painkillers
my eyes look bigger when i lose weight
i wanna learn how to make chinese garlic sauce

i guess that's it.
you know what? i'm not even sure why i named my blogs fade. i mean, i kinda do but my reasoning seemed so much more ... i dunno, profound? last night while i was drunk. i'm also not that sure why i signed up to start blogging. i mean, is there anyone out there reading this? i swear the world is totally different when you're sober... like, last night, when i was out, i felt like a gorgeous superstar (semi sarcastic) but this morning, i just look like a smeared tammi faye baker with lumps of dried pimple cream on my cheeks... ugh, that is SO unattractive!
it's getting really warm out. it's so nice, i should go outside. nah, i think im pretty satisfied being the agoraphobe that i am... i think i'll watch infomercials and take a mid afternoon nap. yeah, that sounds inviting.
you know what i've noticed? i've got this really lazy pug and like, every once in a while, he'll jump up, all inspired and run to some other area in the apt, just to lay back down. it's really funny, he seems so determined only to take a nap somewhere else. i feel like that sometimes. like my inspiration-gone-awry pug.
ummmmm, here's a list of things i wanna quit soon:
smoking
getting migraines
biting my nails
being lazy
putting off this paper that was due last semester
obsessing over my weight
getting "adult-acne"
presenting with borderline disorder symptoms
putting off my laundry
watching infomercials and thinking, "yeah! i TOTALLY need that!"
and calling my ex when i'm drunk.
uh, i think that's it for now. i'm sure i'll think of something else later.
you know what? i was watching beast master when i had an epiphany. i'm so jealous of him. i wanna be able to talk to animals, really, i do... if i had the choice to be a combination of characters, i'd like to be part beast master, part jet li, part lenny kravitz, part yo-yo ma and part... not sure what else. but i'm definitely sure of those things. oh yeah, i'd like to be mostly millionare so i could quit my frickin job!!!
eh, ah well.. more later.
ah, i found it... i realized that one should NEVER do official anything while under the influence of mind altering substances... i couldn't find my site for the life of me. i really thought i wrote down all the important info last night but... funny, it's a whole new world out there when you're sober. seriously. anyhoo, i'll write something more later...
dunno what i agreed to when i signed up for this but.. i'm pretty much not sober so... seems so cliche... drunk and spilling your innards to strangers...

either way, this was the strangest week of my life.

i called it quits with the most everything-ful person i know
meanwhile, my best friend got engaged to a man whom i don't really know (but she's never been happier so yahoo!!!)
my friend's woman just had a baby girl
meanwhile, he's been screwing other women like crazy
and another friend's brother
died.

spring is strange. isn't it supposed to be a time of renewal? i believe it's a time of upheaval... all that you thought to be, isn't. i'm drunk so i'm a whole lot less inhibited so...

seems like a lifetime that i've guarded the innermost which was taken from me decades ago... in a time that was supposed to be filled with curiosity and wonderment not the filth and utter pain/shame that i felt. either way, i promised myself something then, i was five... i promised myself that i would never give myself to someone. esp a boy. i promised myself then that i would never give myself to the kind that always seemed to take from me the most precious-- my innocence. funny, i don't consider myself to ever have been innocent.
i've always known the weaknesses of man. and since that sunday afternoon, i've always used those weaknesses against them. so no need for pity of the little molested girl, raped by her pastor at five. no use. it's over. but sometimes...

sometimes it pulls down my covers at night. sometimes it tells me that i'm fat and ugly that i'm used and covered with sores... sometimes, just sometimes, it whispers in my heart's ear, which, i know, is a lot more naive then the mind's ear... but the heart's ear has the last grip on my person... it tells me that no person could ever want a dirty, scarred girl like me. a girl that's almost thirty and definitely way too old. a girl that still grieves--sobs for what she never had... it tells me how self-absorbed and weak i am. it tells me...

either way, i've lost him. gave him away so i wouldn't be hurt. gave him away so that i would not feel pain. gave away the most beautiful creature that god ever made. lost him to the voices. and then, when it was too late, i realized, that he never listened to them. he called me, "baobae" still. he said that i would always be his baby...

blah blah blah.. how many frickin people have said the same crap? i'm trying not to cuss. he hasn't cussed since he was fifteen--except when we were in bed...

the most beautiful creature god's ever created. and i lost him...

can god really heal?