Friday, April 26, 2002

i don't know why, but i remember the first time i heard this song, i cried. i think that this is the only song that i've cried to. it's kinda silly but...

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

how would you describe (using an emotion) yourself-- i mean, not the outside you, the you that no one knows? like, when your by yourself and quiet, what do you always go back to feeling? how would you describe the inner sanctum of your mind/heart? i was thinking about that yesterday. i mean, it's not the first time i thought about it. i guess it was the first time that i asked someone else that. i asked jc and he said--brooding. he said it was probably fear. fear of future, past, god etc. and that the thing that he was the most fearful of was god. or more the concept of eternal. like, forever? stay there, forever? like, you never get to leave? i've thought about that before. i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm all for going to heaven and all but the thought of eternally is daunting. i mean, what if you get... bored? i guess we could never understand
funny, cuz the next way he described himself, was exactly what i was about to say. he said that if he had to describe himself it would have to be like the sound/music of smashing pumpkins.
me? me, i was too afraid to tell him. too afraid to that i'd scare him or have him think me... crazy. have him not understand and just respond with the nonresponse of huh, or interesting... at best, have him show compassion now but later, when things and don't ask me why i see it as inevitable, when things sour, he'll use it against me like, eh, she was a freak anyhow... thank god i'm rid of her. ugh, i have too many secrets. i thought maybe everybody had secrets but as i got older, i realized that they really had none. and what was worse, my secrets were twisted, grotesque. worthy only of shame. but you know what? i still want jc to know.

Thursday, April 25, 2002

so here's the thing... i don't know what i wanna be when i grow up. which, induces in me, this catatonic state. rendered thoroughly useless, paralyzed with fear. exhausted by existance... blah blah blah...
an ex called me tonight. someone i dated for five and a half torturous years. he called to tell me that he's graduating and moving to the mainland and that he was sorry for all the hurt and that i was his best friend and that i was the only reason he made it this far. he said to say hi to the boys and he broke down and started weeping. ugh. that's really sad. especially the part about the boys. cuz i know that if i ever end up with someone, he would never love them the way my ex did. that's really sad. i mean, don't get me wrong, i still think that he's an arrogant, self-centered bastard but i suppose that i was the only one besides his mother that knew another side of him. too bad all that other crap suffocated anything redeemable. ah well. i wondered if i should call him back but i don't really see the need. don't feel like he has the right to know anything about me. don't wanna get caught up. so, oh well. i guess that's it. funny how life works. dag, life is strange.
that's all i can really write right now. more later.

Monday, April 15, 2002

monday morning... blech.

Sunday, April 14, 2002

things i've recently noticed:

i want a turtle but i think they smell
i think i'm developing a muscle spasm in my left shoulder
i can't metabolize alcohol as effectively when on painkillers
my eyes look bigger when i lose weight
i wanna learn how to make chinese garlic sauce

i guess that's it.
you know what? i'm not even sure why i named my blogs fade. i mean, i kinda do but my reasoning seemed so much more ... i dunno, profound? last night while i was drunk. i'm also not that sure why i signed up to start blogging. i mean, is there anyone out there reading this? i swear the world is totally different when you're sober... like, last night, when i was out, i felt like a gorgeous superstar (semi sarcastic) but this morning, i just look like a smeared tammi faye baker with lumps of dried pimple cream on my cheeks... ugh, that is SO unattractive!
it's getting really warm out. it's so nice, i should go outside. nah, i think im pretty satisfied being the agoraphobe that i am... i think i'll watch infomercials and take a mid afternoon nap. yeah, that sounds inviting.
you know what i've noticed? i've got this really lazy pug and like, every once in a while, he'll jump up, all inspired and run to some other area in the apt, just to lay back down. it's really funny, he seems so determined only to take a nap somewhere else. i feel like that sometimes. like my inspiration-gone-awry pug.
ummmmm, here's a list of things i wanna quit soon:
smoking
getting migraines
biting my nails
being lazy
putting off this paper that was due last semester
obsessing over my weight
getting "adult-acne"
presenting with borderline disorder symptoms
putting off my laundry
watching infomercials and thinking, "yeah! i TOTALLY need that!"
and calling my ex when i'm drunk.
uh, i think that's it for now. i'm sure i'll think of something else later.
you know what? i was watching beast master when i had an epiphany. i'm so jealous of him. i wanna be able to talk to animals, really, i do... if i had the choice to be a combination of characters, i'd like to be part beast master, part jet li, part lenny kravitz, part yo-yo ma and part... not sure what else. but i'm definitely sure of those things. oh yeah, i'd like to be mostly millionare so i could quit my frickin job!!!
eh, ah well.. more later.
ah, i found it... i realized that one should NEVER do official anything while under the influence of mind altering substances... i couldn't find my site for the life of me. i really thought i wrote down all the important info last night but... funny, it's a whole new world out there when you're sober. seriously. anyhoo, i'll write something more later...
dunno what i agreed to when i signed up for this but.. i'm pretty much not sober so... seems so cliche... drunk and spilling your innards to strangers...

either way, this was the strangest week of my life.

i called it quits with the most everything-ful person i know
meanwhile, my best friend got engaged to a man whom i don't really know (but she's never been happier so yahoo!!!)
my friend's woman just had a baby girl
meanwhile, he's been screwing other women like crazy
and another friend's brother
died.

spring is strange. isn't it supposed to be a time of renewal? i believe it's a time of upheaval... all that you thought to be, isn't. i'm drunk so i'm a whole lot less inhibited so...

seems like a lifetime that i've guarded the innermost which was taken from me decades ago... in a time that was supposed to be filled with curiosity and wonderment not the filth and utter pain/shame that i felt. either way, i promised myself something then, i was five... i promised myself that i would never give myself to someone. esp a boy. i promised myself then that i would never give myself to the kind that always seemed to take from me the most precious-- my innocence. funny, i don't consider myself to ever have been innocent.
i've always known the weaknesses of man. and since that sunday afternoon, i've always used those weaknesses against them. so no need for pity of the little molested girl, raped by her pastor at five. no use. it's over. but sometimes...

sometimes it pulls down my covers at night. sometimes it tells me that i'm fat and ugly that i'm used and covered with sores... sometimes, just sometimes, it whispers in my heart's ear, which, i know, is a lot more naive then the mind's ear... but the heart's ear has the last grip on my person... it tells me that no person could ever want a dirty, scarred girl like me. a girl that's almost thirty and definitely way too old. a girl that still grieves--sobs for what she never had... it tells me how self-absorbed and weak i am. it tells me...

either way, i've lost him. gave him away so i wouldn't be hurt. gave him away so that i would not feel pain. gave away the most beautiful creature that god ever made. lost him to the voices. and then, when it was too late, i realized, that he never listened to them. he called me, "baobae" still. he said that i would always be his baby...

blah blah blah.. how many frickin people have said the same crap? i'm trying not to cuss. he hasn't cussed since he was fifteen--except when we were in bed...

the most beautiful creature god's ever created. and i lost him...

can god really heal?